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It's snowing, and everyone is preparing for Adam and Adora's birthday! In... a Christmas special? Are we really going to equate He-man and She-Ra with Jesus by giving them the same birthday?
As the camera pans across the hall of the palace where all the preparations are being made, we're treated to glimpses of a bunch of characters that had action figures but weren't featured prominently in the show (consume! consume!).
Bow, the 1985-era Sensitive Guy (tm) from She-Ra, is unafraid to show his 1985-era Feminine Side (tm) by suggesting a new color to use in the decorations, but with 2025 eyes he's mansplaining to Peekablue what colors to use and she's tired of his shit.
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| Peekablue putting up a good face for the sake of harmony on Adora's birthday |
Queen Marlena reminds us she's from Earth, and these preparations remind her of Christmas, and... this special was first shown on Christmas Day 1985, so yeah, I guess we really are going there and He-Man/She-Ra == Jesus. She then wonders where are Adam and Man-At-Arms? as the camera pans again across the same shot of the palace hall, because if Filmation drew it once, you were gonna see it at least twice.
Man-At-Arms proves his enginerding credentials:
Adam: Shouldn't we be helping with the preparations?Man-at-Arms: In a minute! We're almost finished here.
Apparently, getting his government surveillance system ready for tomorrow's test flight is more important than trifles like Adam and Adora's first birthday together. Be true to yourself, Duncan!
Orko (He-who-must-not-be-named), He-man's annoying sidekick character whose sole purpose is to move plot with his incomparable incompetence and main character energy, makes his appearance. For reasons that make sense only to a writer on a tight deadline, He-who-must-not-be-named breaks into the "Sky Spy" and accidentally launches it. (The Masters of the Universe series was full of appallingly unoriginal and shockingly on-the-nose names like "Man-At-Arms", so "Sky Spy" fits right in.)
Now Skeletor's going after the Sky Spy, in a ship called the "Collector" (presumably b/c he uses it to "collect" things?), and his henchmen are all ones who didn't figure prominently in the TV series (buy the toys!), and apparently to distinguish them, they all just have super goofy voices (and I say this about a show where there's a YouTube video of the main villain laughing for an hour).
"Look, Skeletor's going after the Sky-Spy!" Yes, Duncan, we can see that. I guess I should just be grateful they didn't add "in the Collector" to the end of that observation
Our Heroes (tm) see this and Adam turns into He-man in order to stop Skeletor. As he runs off, Adora soliloquies her intention to change into She-Ra, but she doesn't do it right away, so now I'm trying to remember who from Eternia is in on She-Ra's secret identity? Adam knows, but maybe Man-At-Arms doesn't and that's why she doesn't change in his presence? At any rate, we are cheated of a She-Ra Transformation Montage.
Just as Skeletor is about to nab the Sky-Spy, He-man arrives and starts busting stuff up.
Two-Bad Head#1: Master, it's He-Man.
Two-Bad Head#2: Quiet, he'll hear us!
Two-Bad Head#2: Quiet, he'll hear us!
Okay, this was intentionally funny. Good job, writers. Skeletor demands Two-Bad use the "force belts" to stop He-Man, and He-Man repeats the words "force belts" for us, because this is the first (and last) time they will ever be used. Apparently, in sufficient quantity, force belts are strong enough to contain a guy who can literally punch you into space?! This seems like writerly convenience to give She-Ra a grand entrance to "save" He-Man.
He-Man: Sis! Just in time! As usual.
The writing on He-Man engages in a lot of content-free parentheticals and other wasted words. Some of it is just filling air time, but other times they could simply show the action that they've animated without the meaningless patter on top. Note that while bound by the force belts, He-Man's magic sword magically doesn't fall off the in-flight Collector.
Everything is now under control, and He-who-must-not-be-named decides to try one of his spells that never work, just to be the deux ex machina that takes him to Earth to meet some children who will teach him about Christmas. He-Man states: "The Sky-Spy, it's spinning off into space!" (thanks, He-Man, we couldn't tell) As He-Man and She-Ra initially chase the Sky Spy before it teleports across the galaxy, we learn that Swiftwind can apparently fly into Low Eternia Orbit. Cool trick, bro.
He-who-must-not-be-named lands on Earth and, deep in the snowy woods, immediately runs across two unsupervised children who are about to be killed in an avalanche (just a typical day in the life of latch key kids). For once, his magic spell works (perhaps he should add "please work" to all of his incantations). Because Eternia has no Prime Directive, He-who-must-not-be-named blithely invites the children into the Sky-Spy to warm up, and that's when they tell him all about Christmas.
(note: the scenes skip back and forth between Eternia and Earth, but all the Earth scenes are literally just interludes to remind us that these children exist and are teaching He-who-must-not-be-named about Christmas)
Hands on hips while the Queen is reading, everyone! That means you, too, Duncan!
Back on Eternia, the ladies discover that He-who-must-not-be-named dropped his book near the launchpad, and they figure that's why the Sky-Spy disappeared. Fortunately, Man-At-Arms has a "Finder Beam" (more lazy functional names) that allows them to discover he's landed on Earth. Even more conveniently, Duncan has a "transport beam" that will allow them to teleport He-who-must-not-be-named back home. BUT FIRST we must go to Etheria on a fetch quest for a "Carium water crystal" (?!?!) to power the "transport beam" because there are none on Eternia.
We finally get a She-Ra Transformation Montage (yes! 30 seconds of reused animation!!) as Adora says goodbye to Adam. On Etheria, She-Ra goes to Mermista to ask where a water crystal might be found. Stereotyping much? "If water is in the name, the water Princess must know something about it." Mermista tells She-Ra that one lies in a deep pool guarded by the "Beast Monster" (in a story filled with lazy naming, this is the LAZIEST WRITING EVAR). Their plan is for She-Ra to distract the monster while Mermista looks for the crystal.
She-Ra reflects that she could never have succeeded without Mermista. Perhaps there could be a theme of teamwork here, but there's no time to explore story when there's all this plot to get through. The "extremely dangerous" Beast Monster is still literally right over there, climbing out of the shallow pit it fell into, when some giant robots crawl out of the earth. Going into commercial, She-Ra sums up for us: "Well, Swifty, now we have to pass those things to get the crystal back to Man-At-Arms." Just so we don't forget during the break.
Coming back out of commercial, one of the giant robot shoots She-Ra and Swiftwind with a gun that encases them in a bubble. They have She-Ra trapped! And then... they just leave, but not before identifying themselves as "the Monstroids" (buy the toys! oh, wait, we made a toy of a different thing and gave it the same name. enh, whatever).
Swiftwind comments "They're changing into other forms! What evil robots." That's right, kids, don't watch Transformers, watch Masters of the Universe! This is just such a deeply, immensely weird line. It sounds like Swiftwind believes it's the act of changing into other forms that makes these robots evil, though He-Man, She-Ra, and Swiftwind himself all change into other forms on the regular. So is Swiftie some kind of organic lifeform supremacist who only sees this behavior as evil in non-organic lifeforms? Will this cause problems if there are form-changing inorganic lifeforms who are allies of Our Heroes (tm) in the future? Like these "Manchines" She-Ra mentions while reaffirming for us that these robots are:
- evil
- dangerous
- called the Monstroids
- likely to return later in the special
Back on Eternia, before turning on the transport beam, Man-At-Arms notes "I hope he remembers to stand in the light." Sweet Jesus, their technology encourages people to walk towards the light?!
On Earth, He-who-must-not-be-named and the kids are atonally singing the words "Jingle Bells" over and over without reaching the end of the phrase. Now we have to question whether anything these children have told He-who-must-not-be-named about Christmas is correct.
He-who-must-not-be-named walks into the light, and takes the children with him to Eternia, because of course he's not thinking about the consequences of his actions. He introduces them as Alicia and Miguel -- is this a subtle bit of Hispanic representation from an 80's cartoon?
[Meanwhile, somewhere...] Horde Prime says, "There is a great disturbance (in the Force?)" and decides that this new spirit of Christmas on Eternia will somehow threaten his rule.
Bring me my most competent servants who always succeed, Hordak and Skeletor!
Back on Eternia:
Alicia: "Will we be home in time for Christmas?"Marlena: "I'm not sure."
That's incredibly honest and forthright of the queen. I've always liked this line because it's what I want to see in our own real-life leaders.
At any rate, it'll take a few days before the water crystal can be recharged, leaving plenty of time for shenanigans. Queen Marlena then suggests merging the twins' birthday party with a Christmas celebration, just in case you forgot that He-man/She-Ra == Jesus.
Bard and Perfuma entertain the children. I don't think Bard's song will become a Christmas standard. Hordak comes and grabs the children... and He-who-must-not-be-named, for some reason. The worst part about this is that it's not like He-who-must-not-be-named happened to be standing next to the children and got picked up by accident; they used a third tractor beam to pull him up.
Hordak's henchmen, Kattra, Modulok and Multibot, otherwise all seem more competent than Skeletor's. That is, until they get back to Etheria and the Monstroids simply take the children without a fight. The Monstroids seem to want the children because they believe Horde Prime will come for them, and then they can... destroy Horde Prime? We've been given no reason why the Monstroids have beef with Horde Prime or how they even knew of the children's existence? Can they also feel the disturbance caused by the Spirit of Christmas? Does this story need the Monstroids at all?
He-man and She-Ra ask Peekablue for information on where Hordak might have taken the children in the Fright Zone. Peekablue sees that the Monstroids have the children now...
Peekablue: "But the little robot people have gone to rescue the children."She-Ra: "Robot people? You mean the Manchines?"Peekablue: "Exactly."
If Peekablue knew what they're called, why didn't she just call them the Manchines in the first place?!
"They don't call me Cutter for nothing!"
"They don't call him Zipper for nothing!"
The Manchines (buy the toys! oops, we didn't even try to cash in on this) immediately break the children out of jail and are then immediately surrounded by the Monstroids. He-man and She-Ra then arrive to destroy Monstroids and chew bubble gum. And they're all out of bubblegum.
While the adults are battling the Monstroids, Cutter tells He-who-must-not-be-named to take the children "to a safe spot", where they befriend a Manchine puppy, and Skeletor captures them pretty much immediately. Unlike Hordak, Skeletor leaves He-who-must-not-be-named behind and just takes the children (and the Manchine puppy, who is being held by Alicia). He also entraps Swiftwind in some stalagmites to slow pursuit. Hordak chases Skeletor and damages his ship, but Skeletor damages Hordak's ship in turn, forcing Hordak to turn back to base for repairs (?).
Skeletor crash lands in a snowy area, and he needs to force-march the children to the rendezvous with Horde Prime. It's cold, and the children beg for warmth. After the sister collapses from cold, Skeletor relents and makes them warm coats. They start to march, and Skeletor insists they leave behind Relay, the Manchine dog. But Relay whimpers piteously and Skeletor relents, carrying Relay himself "so they can go faster".
As they march, the children tell Skeletor about Christmas, and the horror that the writers are now going full-on A Christmas Carol with Skeletor as Scrooge sets in. Sadly, because this is hilarious, this is actually an improvement over everything that has happened up to this point.
Skeletor rolls a random encounter. "A snow beast! Quick, get behind me!"
Skeletor arrives at the rendezvous point with the children. Somehow, He-man and She-Ra arrive next, even though there's really no way for them to have tracked them here, or known where the rendezvous point was. Then Hordak arrives with a small army. Hordak deflects a blast from Skeletor's staff right back at Skeletor, knocking him out of the fight for a bit.
She-Ra says, "Better get back, children. Orko, go with them." Just like the last time, He-who-must-not-be-named leads them right to the enemy, but this time it's Horde Prime. Hordak's army of troopers prevents He-man and She-Ra from getting to the children in time.
"I don't know what's happening to me... but I MUST SAVE THE CHILDREN."
(this is the line I was quoting too often)
(this is the line I was quoting too often)
Skeletor somehow manages to damage Horde Prime's ship? He-man sees it go down, comments upon this, and then he and She-Ra throw Horde Prime's spaceship into space. Moments later the children thank Skeletor for saving them, and He-man is incredulous: "He saved you?". He-man, you were right there, you saw it happen!
She-Ra: "Don't worry Skeletor, Christmas comes only once a year."
Note that somewhere in here, Hordak and his army of troops have just disappeared...
In the denouement, Adam (dressed as a super-buff Santa Claus) gifts each of the children a flying belt, again, because Eternia has no Prime Directive and apparently no one considers the consequences of their actions. Man-at-Arms sends the children home, and somehow the Eternians are able to watch as Alicia and Miguel are reunited with their parents in time for Christmas.
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